Friday, September 25, 2009

Hello, Boys!

Yes, hello there! I took a look at my previous blogs, and I realised something: taking into consideration that probably about 80% of my Blog reader audience is male*, it's likely that I completely shattered their dreams. Gentlemen: I resolve to help you pick up the pieces one by one.

For those of you who read last month's four-part installment basically telling you that everything you read about meeting women is wrong, I decided to come up with something as compensation. After all; I basically told you that everything you know and suspect (or at least read) was, at best, horribly wrong.

My next blog will be the first in an installment of five articles profiling men, featuring help from my group of guest contributors. I combed a group of women - single, married, engaged, dating - for their honest, anonymous responses to my questions, and I was overwhelmed by the response I received. You'll notice the trends as you read on, Gentlemen; we really do love you!

I don't pretend to be a great writer and/or journalist, but here's hoping that whether you are male or female, this may aid your wade through the mysteries of the 'Mars vs. Venus' argument. Or at least give you a warm, fluffy feeling for a day or so. (Also you Gents may notice that I'm giving you an extra article to make up for all the emotional trauma).

Friday, September 18, 2009

Cad's Mags: Part 4/4

Get the champagne out: it's the Grand Finale of Neety's Guide...

#2 - The Boss

The Gist: Before I continue, I'd just like to say that this particular article made me so wound up that I had to punch someone, and there was nobody else in the house so I punched myself. Smack in the eye. So now I'm irritated and I have a black eye. But back to the article...

How To Get Her: This is like #8, and requires you get her out of the office and show her a fun time and then return to professionalism in the workplace. And just so it's not completely lazy journalism, there's the truly stellar idea that you should say something like "[...] you may not be able to play it cool in the office, like me". If my employee said that to me and I had the power to fire him, then that would be the time I'd reach seductively into my cleavage...and pull out his P45. And before you ask: yes, that is how I do my filing*.

Why This Theory Sucks: If you happen to manage to sleep with your boss, the last thing you want to do is imply that she can't keep her cool in the office. Not only are you pushing your luck, you are effectively undermining her authority in the relationship as well as at work. And if you start doing that at all, I don't care whether it's in the workplace or in the bedroom, you are making a big arrogant mistake. Personally, I don't really think sleeping with your boss is a good idea at all, but if you must, just be discreet and trust her to act accordingly.

#1 - The Stripper

The Gist: Da-dun dun duuun, da-dun dun duuun...OK, all joking aside, I suspect she's at #1 because she is, quite literally, the untouchable. I'm interested to see how this goes, seeing as though Mr La Ruina has said "[She's] that hottest girl you've ever seen in real life who can also dance, smile while you chat bollocks, then give you the best sex session of your life...". Except you can't actually have sex with her.

How To Get Her: "Set yourself out by not being a regular" says the article, and then in brackets says "(Perv)". Er, the last time I checked, it's now law that you mustn't touch the girls while they dance for you. And the girls who do this job aren't stupid; they know what you're there for and it ain't the conversation. Perhaps that's why Richard suggests you insist that a mate 'dragged you' to the strip joint, and try and take control in the conversation. Also, towards the end, you should say "You should probably get back to work or your boss will be angry". Fantastic.

Why This Theory Sucks: Again, you're turning her off you, just like almost every bloody other number in this list. If you act like you were dragged here, and you just wanna talk about what you want to talk about all the way through it and then urge her to leave quickly, she's just going to think you're a pushy/uninterested client, and then what? Er, she's going to shrug, take your money and 'get on with it', as you so kindly put it. If you try and talk to the "real girl" as Richard puts it, you'll get nothing but false answers. Any girl working in the sex industry reserves the right to keep her private and public image seperate, and will probably want to exercise this right. Don't believe me? Ask Belle De Jour.

Right, so I've picked the list apart and you're probably a bit annoyed at me for doing so. After all, I've effectively poured a bucket of wee over your preconceptions. And now I'm about to hit you with a cliche: Be yourself. When it comes to girls remember this; don't act like you're not interested if you are, don't blow hot-and-cold, don't undermine her, don't treat her one way one week and another way the next and expect her to stick around and lap it up. If she does, you run the risk of breaking her heart, and it will be your fault. If you're a genuinely nice guy, there's nothing more horrible than knowing that you've done that.

So be earnest, and take your time. None of these romantic conquests will happen in an evening, despite what this article and millions of others will try to tell you, and you're not any less of a man if it takes you a little longer. And I used a cliche because most cliches become just that because they're based on truth.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that all of the above Blog is simply my opinion. I have tried to pick apart the article constructively and without bias and even offer suitable alternatives to La Ruina's advice, but as you can see by my blooming black eye** I failed somewhat. And you can have your opinion too - that's why I included the link to the original piece. Also contrary to popular belief, I don't hate Richard La Ruina - I'm actually quite interested in reading his book having done this - I just think some of the methods he illustrates are a little unorthodox, needless, somewhat immoral, and that interests me and keeps me writing. And that's my opinion - go formulate your own if you like!

Neety ~ "Helping the men of the world, one migraine at a time"

* This is not strictly true.

** Neither is this.

Cad's Mags: Part 3/4

HELLO FOLKS! As you enjoyed it so much last time, here's the third installment of Neety's Guide. Geronimoooo!

#5 - The MILF

The Gist: Ah, the MILF. In some ways she could be potentially real, in others she's just like Unicorns and Dragons - completely mythological. She's your friend's hot mum, of course. Apparently, "everyone has a mate with a mum that is just begging for it every time she bends in the doorway, offering tea..." Er, at the risk of sounding like I'm nit-picking, if she feels the need to bend over when simply asking a question, she either has a serious back problem or a seriously dirty floor. Or, of course, she wants you to immediately drop your pants and ride her like Seabiscuit.

How To Get Her: You need to go undercover. No, don't dress as Solid Snake and sneak around the kitchen with a pair of tights over your face - find out if she is a "bored housewife" or if she's really up for it. Apparently you can achieve this by using lots of sexual innuendo in your chats with her.

Why This Theory Sucks: "If she is showing signs of interest [...] then she is probably a bored housewife". The next few sentences both include paraphrases of "When your mate's not around..." So here, we're condoning both potentially committing adultery (he said houseWIFE; he could have said 'mum' or even 'woman' but he didn't, which speaks volumes) and lying to your mate. If you're the type of guy who doesn't bat an eyelid at either of those things, then you go for it. I hope you're very happy and that I never have the chance to meet you, as I may feel the need to connect my foot to your testicles.

#4 - Public Sex

The Gist: This is basically the threesome but without the extra girl. Although Richard doesn't assume you have to be in a relationship with the girl you want, which again potentially makes things a little trickier.

How To Get Her: OK, we're assuming here that Richard means a girl you're trying to pick up and not your girlfriend/fiance/sexbuddy, etc. He suggests stroking the leg of "the girl you want" while talking to another girl - which takes us back to the "Oh, he's flirting with both me and her, bye then!" scenario with the threesome. The real shocker comes in the form of Richard's suggestion that you aught to say "I really don't like it when girls aren't comfortable with their sexuality" and "All women that get turned on enough will try anything."

Why This Theory Sucks: If you sat me in a cold bath right now, the water would boil. Does that not essentially sound like a re-phrase of the classic: "If you really loved me, you'd do it"? It's basically the single man's version of it - you can't use the "If you loved me..." trump card because you've just met her, so you'll imply that she's not sexually confident instead. You've gone from playing pointless mind games to outright offending us. Case closed, before I snap off someone's -

#3 - The Foreigner

The Gist: Ugh, is it just me, or does "The Foreigner" sound a little unflattering? Sounds like something you'd expect to see splashed across the Daily Mail. Anyway, it's stated right in the beginning of the article that wherever she's from, she can't speak English, as illustrated by the picture of an obviously Caucasian girl holding up a sign, Chinese. Fantastic!

How To Get Her: "Girls that don't speak your language laugh at anything, so don't be afraid to be playfully childish..." Here, we're assuming she's not a friend or casual acquaintance but someone literally on the street, which leads us back to #6: so you have to actually approach her first. And if she truthfully honestly doesn't understand English at all, is she really going to giggle sweetly at you, or is she going to shrug apologetically and say something in her native tongue?

Why This Theory Sucks: Well, it's effectively fallen onto its arse already with the 'approachment' problem. Of course, if she's a friend-of-a-friend, for example your sister's penpal (plucking a random connection from the sky there) you've got a lot more time to show interest in her, introduce yourself formally. To cap it off, Richard says "Latvian women are the best in the world if you're planning on travelling [...]" Hold on to your horses guys, I wouldn't advise jetting off just yet...

Next time: Get lying down on the job...with your Boss.

Oh and by the way...look over there. No, not there; there. Over yonder to your left is a new link to my good friend Tom's blog, Click on it: I guarantee happytiems, my trigger-happy troglodytes.

Cad's Mags: Part 2/4

Without further ado, Lads and Ladettes, here is Part 2 of Neety's Guide. Starting with:

#8 - The Workmate

The Gist: OK, this one should be simple. It's a bit like any other woman - you either click or you don't. Richard confuses me yet again, by telling the Gents to "be Alpha and commanding regardless of your rank...", which to me sounds a bit...well, arrogant. Then he says this doesn't involve acting like "a king-sized prick". OK, so why did you use the word commanding? Maybe you meant assertive instead - oh, you've put that in the next sentence, have you? Good for you.

How To Get Her: Aside from acting like a dick - but, you know, not like a dick - you need to get her out of the office. Not meaning to be condescending here, but I would have thought that was obvious. Nobody wants an in-workplace date. That seems all a bit bland, but here comes the fly in the soup: "Raise objections about the idea of you ever being a couple". BRILLIANT. Because that's a prime example of what every woman wants: casual mind games! OOOH, YES PLEASE! GIVE IT TO ME NOW, RIGHT HERE ON THE DESK, YOU EMOTIONAL FUCKWIT, YOU!

Why This Idea Sucks: Ahem. See above. I'm going to go lay down now.

#7 - Get out of the 'Friend' Zone/Back with an ex

The Gist: OK. I'm going to have to say this now before the little blue vein in my temple explodes - getting back with an Ex is rarely - I say rarely - ever a good idea. So disregarding my opinion for a moment, we'll carry on with Doctor Richard's prognosis. You need to "get on her radar as a potential boyfriend". OK, but if you're stuck in the Friend Zone, there's a likely chance you've already tried that, isn't there? Especially so if she's an Ex? I fear I'm confused again, Richard...

How To Get Her: Oooh, I hit the goldmine here. You have to act like she's just 'one of your mates'. So don't treat her like a potential girlfriend; greet her with an unromantic pat on the back, check out other women in her presence, tell her about other potential girlfriends. Guess what she'll do? I'll give you a clue: she won't fall helplessly into your arms. Aaaah, sorry lads. Go home empty-handed, do not pass go, do not collect £200, etc etc etc.

Why This Theory Sucks: It's storytime, readers. Once upon a time there was a girl. After a complete train-wreck of a relationship, she found herself single. So she started spending time with some friends. One of these friends liked her in a romantic way, so he started acting romantically towards her. So she started responding, because when boys act romantically towards girls, girls know that the boys like them. To cut a long story short: girl kissed boy, boy kissed back, girl and boy got together and are now deliriously happy. The End. In short, if you act like you fancy a girl, she'll get the message sooner: that way if she sadly doesn't reciprocate, such is life, she'll be able to let you down gently. And if she does? Bingo.

#6 - On The Street Random

The Gist: Now I had to check the title several times, because at first glance it looks like the title of a 50 Cent album. He means the girl whose eye you catch in the street - there's a glance, a little spark.

How To Get Her: Now I have to say, this one isn't so bad. No - really. Although it seems to forget that there is no such thing as "Love at First Sight". Don't look at me like that, there genuinely isn't! I'll explain in a moment, because Richard's "Direct Opener" is actually fairly sound - "I was on my way somewhere but I knew if I didn't stop and say hello I'd regret it all day". You can try this, then if she's really not interested and was just 'window-shopping', she can gently point this out. Or not so gently if she's a complete bitch, but then you can be satisfied that you got off lightly if she is.

Why This Theory Sucks: It's lust - pure physical attraction. This attraction is going into the eyes and leaving by the eyes, and by that I mean you can't lock eyes with a girl coming the other way up on the escalator in a shopping centre and see her personality; her flaws, her thoughts, her interests, her pet hates, her neuroses. So you're not falling in love, you just fancy her. But as long as you understand that, you're generally free to go ahead and try. Be brave now.

Next time: How to effectively, ahem, "do your mate's mum". No, I'm not even kidding.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Cad's Mags: Part 1/4

After bothering poor Brawny with the world of women's reading last week, I found myself tempted to peruse the world of Gentlemen's literature. I now realise my use of the word 'Gentlemen' - let alone giving it a capital 'G' - was entirely unlicensed.

So after finding my target, I was incensed to find this: 11 Tips to Get Any Woman. I read it through, and boy oh boy did it make me laugh. And then sneer. And then snort. And then shout. And then everything went a little fuzzy; I think my Dad had to get the tranquilliser gun out again... It's written by (or rather, with) Richard La Ruina, author of The Natural Art of Seduction. Hmm, we'll see.

So here we have it, folks. Neety's Guide to the Guide to Getting Any Woman, in Four Parts, and here's the first. I'll start by breaking the article down for you readers, before taking the broken down bits, putting them into my mouth, chewing them up and then throwing up violently into a small bucket. And all for YOUR reading pleasure, kiddies!

#11 - The Lesbian

The Gist: Allegedly, there are two types of lesbian: those who've been with a man in the past and those that haven't. Ok fair enough, but that's where the diversity stops - they apparently merge into one for the sake of the rest of the article. Both types are 'anti-men' and crave men who talk about emotions. Er, hello? Is this not a truth universally acknowledged for straight AND gay women?! Lesbians want women who will listen too, and believe it or not, there are some women out there that don't want to talk about emotions all the time!

How To Get Her: The entire plan is to make her say "I've never met a man like you before." And if you are patient, kind and understanding, she might well say this. It doesn't mean she is sexually attracted to you. I know a lot of women that listen to me, understand me, encourage me and love me for who I am, but I'm not sexually attracted to them. And there's your problem: Lesbians have made a choice - and sorry lads, it's not men.

Why This Theory Sucks: It's just stupid. If you're a man that doesn't enjoy talking about feelings, then you're wasting your time in forcing yourself to do something you don't want to just to get a fleeting chance at something that might not even happen. It's a bit like sticking your hand into a bag of razor blades because someone told you there might just possibly maybe be a fiver at the bottom.

#10 - The Threesome

The Gist: "Aaah...the Threesome", sighs Neety, gritting her teeth. Richard describes it as "that thing where a guy realises, for the first time, one member between his legs is not enough". Er, Richard? Are we talking about members as in your little chap, your willy, your meat-and-two-veg? Or members of the public? I'm concerned and confused.

How To Get It: "Most girls are open to a threesome, especially with a stranger." Oh yes, that's what gets me hot - someone I don't even know seeing me bent into contortions in my pasty-white naked glory. I doubt I'm the only one there. And any guide to getting women that begins with "Use booze to start" should have the alarm bells going. Apparently you should also use jealousy: kiss one girl and then the other, and make it clear that if they aren't both up for it, neither of them get to sleep with you. Boo hoo hoo!

Why This Theory Sucks: "Oh, hello. You're quite cute, and you're buying me drinks and flirting with me. That's wonderful! Oh, but now you're buying my friend/sister/co-worker/total stranger drinks and flirting with her. Now you're kissing her. OK! Bye bye!" - that is what will probably go through the minds of at least one of the girls you try to pick up. Please-oh-please just be honest with us: we're not all adverse to the idea. Get to know your target, understand these things take a little time. If the girl turns out to be adventurous, ask her if she'd be happy to consider a threesome. Don't make her feel like she can't sleep with you unless someone else is involved. And for God's sake, don't try to get us drunk...

#9 - The Supermodel

The Gist: Richard helpfully points out that this girl is "not just a really hot girl, or even a glamour model, but an actual rich and famous supermodel". It's good to see that this theory is a little less slap-dash than the others: you need to infiltrate her social group. At this point began to relax. "Ah," I sighed. "Maybe this isn't so shallow after all." Then I saw the line "[if you] fail with her, she'll have plenty of mates for you to try again with" - not to mention the delightful "Use a gay/ugly mate to get into her circle of friends"!

How to Get Her: Act like you're "not interested into her...act completely unphased by her beauty". Yeah, she'll love that; every girl who makes an effort does! OK, so don't drool over her. But if you act like you're not interested, how is she going to know?! Women are a little intuitive, but we can't look at men and go "Right: you're a womaniser, you're pretending not to be interested and you've got an STI." Which would be brilliant if we could do, but we can't.

Why This Theory Sucks: Simply for the total lack of honesty. If you think she's hot, at least give her a slight clue. Just tone it down a bit, eh lad? Don't dribble all over her shoes, but if she's made an effort then she obviously wants to be admired - there is such as thing as respecting a woman's image without appearing lecherous. Just make a nice comment - talk to her first, then try and praise her in a way she wouldn't expect. Do you like the sound of her voice? Is she resourceful and clever? Do you share any hobbies?

OK, that's it for this post. Tune in next time to find out how to get out of the 'Friend' zone...

The Bitch is Back...Again

Smack! Bang! Kerpow! Neety's back, Ladies and Gentleman, and she's angry.

Yes that's right; I'm sat in front of my TV, and I'm livid. It's quite sad because I'd hoped to end the L A D Y B L O G hiatus with a kick-arsed new post, all about how I'd overcome my adversities and learnt to love myself/the world/the Bomb/Marmite and was ready to hold hands with someone - anyone - and skip off into the sunset. But that attitude lasted about a minute and a half, two minutes if we're taking into account the amount of Ribena I drank. And yes, the sugary kind.

The reason I'm livid is because of these people. Look at them. I can't even be bothered to embed their sordid video into this blog, so I'm making you do the hard work, you belligerent spoon-fed peons. For those of you who don't want to interrupt my prose with clicky-clicky fun, the link leads to the new video from Australian *cough* BAND *rasp* The Veronicas. If you read Scribblin's of Retards you'll notice blogger Azzy describe their overall charm as reminiscent of "when [Azzy] was 16 and STUPID". Considering I knew him at 16 and was stupid myself, I can vouch: oh yes people, I can vouch.

So why do I hate them? Is it because they apparently can't keep their heads still when a camera points in their directions? It is because their lyrics includes the breath-taking "I go ooh ooh you go aah aah / Alalala halalala"? Is it because they don't bloody smile? Well yes, it's all of those, and that was just lazy journalism. But specifically after hearing their newest offering today. OK, the video is pretty sub-standard, emo-boys-and-girls-have-big-messy-orgy-cum-party-in-artsy-studio fare, but the song itself? Compare it to Pink's U and Ur Hand. In fact, compare both The Veronicas' releases to that song. See a pattern? Except Pink's release was available from July 2005. JULY 2005, PEOPLE.

As for the frigging Veronicas, I don't even know their names - and I don't want to. They're interchangeable: The Veronicas, Lady Gaga, Pixie Lott, Girls Can't Catch, The Saturdays. Heard of them? Sure you have, but can you tell which one is which? Bring back the days when you heard real instruments in songs. And maybe when I've stopped shaking with self-righteous anger I'll write a proper blog; I'm out of practice.

Oh by the way, I'm now happily in a relationship with the delectable Brawny of the blog Life, Thoughts and Drunken Rambling. He's a cracking guy and we're very happy, in a delightfully asinine, bitter-and-twisted way. Proof that there are nice guys out there ladies; you just have to waste a lot of time of arsebiscuits of the first degree to realise who and where they are.

Neety ~ "A clue: Lady Gaga's the superlatively irritating one"