Friday, September 18, 2009

Cad's Mags: Part 2/4

Without further ado, Lads and Ladettes, here is Part 2 of Neety's Guide. Starting with:

#8 - The Workmate

The Gist: OK, this one should be simple. It's a bit like any other woman - you either click or you don't. Richard confuses me yet again, by telling the Gents to "be Alpha and commanding regardless of your rank...", which to me sounds a bit...well, arrogant. Then he says this doesn't involve acting like "a king-sized prick". OK, so why did you use the word commanding? Maybe you meant assertive instead - oh, you've put that in the next sentence, have you? Good for you.

How To Get Her: Aside from acting like a dick - but, you know, not like a dick - you need to get her out of the office. Not meaning to be condescending here, but I would have thought that was obvious. Nobody wants an in-workplace date. That seems all a bit bland, but here comes the fly in the soup: "Raise objections about the idea of you ever being a couple". BRILLIANT. Because that's a prime example of what every woman wants: casual mind games! OOOH, YES PLEASE! GIVE IT TO ME NOW, RIGHT HERE ON THE DESK, YOU EMOTIONAL FUCKWIT, YOU!

Why This Idea Sucks: Ahem. See above. I'm going to go lay down now.

#7 - Get out of the 'Friend' Zone/Back with an ex

The Gist: OK. I'm going to have to say this now before the little blue vein in my temple explodes - getting back with an Ex is rarely - I say rarely - ever a good idea. So disregarding my opinion for a moment, we'll carry on with Doctor Richard's prognosis. You need to "get on her radar as a potential boyfriend". OK, but if you're stuck in the Friend Zone, there's a likely chance you've already tried that, isn't there? Especially so if she's an Ex? I fear I'm confused again, Richard...

How To Get Her: Oooh, I hit the goldmine here. You have to act like she's just 'one of your mates'. So don't treat her like a potential girlfriend; greet her with an unromantic pat on the back, check out other women in her presence, tell her about other potential girlfriends. Guess what she'll do? I'll give you a clue: she won't fall helplessly into your arms. Aaaah, sorry lads. Go home empty-handed, do not pass go, do not collect £200, etc etc etc.

Why This Theory Sucks: It's storytime, readers. Once upon a time there was a girl. After a complete train-wreck of a relationship, she found herself single. So she started spending time with some friends. One of these friends liked her in a romantic way, so he started acting romantically towards her. So she started responding, because when boys act romantically towards girls, girls know that the boys like them. To cut a long story short: girl kissed boy, boy kissed back, girl and boy got together and are now deliriously happy. The End. In short, if you act like you fancy a girl, she'll get the message sooner: that way if she sadly doesn't reciprocate, such is life, she'll be able to let you down gently. And if she does? Bingo.

#6 - On The Street Random

The Gist: Now I had to check the title several times, because at first glance it looks like the title of a 50 Cent album. He means the girl whose eye you catch in the street - there's a glance, a little spark.

How To Get Her: Now I have to say, this one isn't so bad. No - really. Although it seems to forget that there is no such thing as "Love at First Sight". Don't look at me like that, there genuinely isn't! I'll explain in a moment, because Richard's "Direct Opener" is actually fairly sound - "I was on my way somewhere but I knew if I didn't stop and say hello I'd regret it all day". You can try this, then if she's really not interested and was just 'window-shopping', she can gently point this out. Or not so gently if she's a complete bitch, but then you can be satisfied that you got off lightly if she is.

Why This Theory Sucks: It's lust - pure physical attraction. This attraction is going into the eyes and leaving by the eyes, and by that I mean you can't lock eyes with a girl coming the other way up on the escalator in a shopping centre and see her personality; her flaws, her thoughts, her interests, her pet hates, her neuroses. So you're not falling in love, you just fancy her. But as long as you understand that, you're generally free to go ahead and try. Be brave now.

Next time: How to effectively, ahem, "do your mate's mum". No, I'm not even kidding.

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