Friday, September 18, 2009

Cad's Mags: Part 3/4

HELLO FOLKS! As you enjoyed it so much last time, here's the third installment of Neety's Guide. Geronimoooo!

#5 - The MILF

The Gist: Ah, the MILF. In some ways she could be potentially real, in others she's just like Unicorns and Dragons - completely mythological. She's your friend's hot mum, of course. Apparently, "everyone has a mate with a mum that is just begging for it every time she bends in the doorway, offering tea..." Er, at the risk of sounding like I'm nit-picking, if she feels the need to bend over when simply asking a question, she either has a serious back problem or a seriously dirty floor. Or, of course, she wants you to immediately drop your pants and ride her like Seabiscuit.

How To Get Her: You need to go undercover. No, don't dress as Solid Snake and sneak around the kitchen with a pair of tights over your face - find out if she is a "bored housewife" or if she's really up for it. Apparently you can achieve this by using lots of sexual innuendo in your chats with her.

Why This Theory Sucks: "If she is showing signs of interest [...] then she is probably a bored housewife". The next few sentences both include paraphrases of "When your mate's not around..." So here, we're condoning both potentially committing adultery (he said houseWIFE; he could have said 'mum' or even 'woman' but he didn't, which speaks volumes) and lying to your mate. If you're the type of guy who doesn't bat an eyelid at either of those things, then you go for it. I hope you're very happy and that I never have the chance to meet you, as I may feel the need to connect my foot to your testicles.

#4 - Public Sex

The Gist: This is basically the threesome but without the extra girl. Although Richard doesn't assume you have to be in a relationship with the girl you want, which again potentially makes things a little trickier.

How To Get Her: OK, we're assuming here that Richard means a girl you're trying to pick up and not your girlfriend/fiance/sexbuddy, etc. He suggests stroking the leg of "the girl you want" while talking to another girl - which takes us back to the "Oh, he's flirting with both me and her, bye then!" scenario with the threesome. The real shocker comes in the form of Richard's suggestion that you aught to say "I really don't like it when girls aren't comfortable with their sexuality" and "All women that get turned on enough will try anything."

Why This Theory Sucks: If you sat me in a cold bath right now, the water would boil. Does that not essentially sound like a re-phrase of the classic: "If you really loved me, you'd do it"? It's basically the single man's version of it - you can't use the "If you loved me..." trump card because you've just met her, so you'll imply that she's not sexually confident instead. You've gone from playing pointless mind games to outright offending us. Case closed, before I snap off someone's -

#3 - The Foreigner

The Gist: Ugh, is it just me, or does "The Foreigner" sound a little unflattering? Sounds like something you'd expect to see splashed across the Daily Mail. Anyway, it's stated right in the beginning of the article that wherever she's from, she can't speak English, as illustrated by the picture of an obviously Caucasian girl holding up a sign reading...er, Chinese. Fantastic!

How To Get Her: "Girls that don't speak your language laugh at anything, so don't be afraid to be playfully childish..." Here, we're assuming she's not a friend or casual acquaintance but someone literally on the street, which leads us back to #6: so you have to actually approach her first. And if she truthfully honestly doesn't understand English at all, is she really going to giggle sweetly at you, or is she going to shrug apologetically and say something in her native tongue?

Why This Theory Sucks: Well, it's effectively fallen onto its arse already with the 'approachment' problem. Of course, if she's a friend-of-a-friend, for example your sister's penpal (plucking a random connection from the sky there) you've got a lot more time to show interest in her, introduce yourself formally. To cap it off, Richard says "Latvian women are the best in the world if you're planning on travelling [...]" Hold on to your horses guys, I wouldn't advise jetting off just yet...


Next time: Get lying down on the job...with your Boss.

Oh and by the way...look over there. No, not there; there. Over yonder to your left is a new link to my good friend Tom's blog, Sofabastard.tv. Click on it: I guarantee happytiems, my trigger-happy troglodytes.

3 comments:

Sprog said...

"No, don't dress as Solid Snake and sneak around the kitchen with a pair of tights over your face" LOLAGE

smitestupid said...

Actually, the foreigner does have some creditability.

Only rarely though.

Neety said...

I found it difficult to fault that one.