Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Low Resolution

HO HO HO! Merry Your Religion, everybody!

Well, I hope everyone has had a good holiday and is at least half a stone heavier (especially you, you skinny little runt - yes that's right, I'm talking to YOU). I myself am full of the Christmas cheer, not to mention an entire Third World continent's worth of bacteria, and have decided that since my Christmas blog last year was a pre-festivities list of Christmas meanings, this years' post will be a post-Christmas effort (pun fully intended). That, and I couldn't be bothered to use the internet since the fork of lightning hit our aerial the Tuesday before Christmas.

Now as everyone knows, 'tis fast approaching the season for the New Year, and in fact the dawn of a new decade (as if that means anything significant: it's just a number, people). Therefore it's time for New Years' Resolutions. But I'm not making any, you see. This is for two main reasons:

1) They're always the same (e.g. lose weight, save money, stop selling other peoples' organs on the Black Market etc)
2) They don't work. Or I don't keep them, however you want to phrase it.

So I'm not making any for myself this year: instead I've decided to go global and take my whiny, diluted cynicism to a whole new stage. The way I see it, there's a few things wrong with the way certain things are done around here, and if perfectly sane Internet Folk like myself and my cherished readers are going to have to live in 2010 then we want something done to make damn sure its as good as it looks on the serving suggestion.

So without further ado: Neety's Guide to Not Messing Up in the New Year. (Don't say I never gives you naffink.)

Resolution: To cut down on the amount of famous people.
Who Does it Apply To?: Well, it's everyone's duty in part, a bit like cutting down on CO2 emissions or doing the washing up once in a while. (Not the global washing up, that'd be stupid.)
Why?: Because the proportion of 'celebrities' to famous people is waning. So for every person who is famous for doing something worthwhile, there are at least a hundred "socialites", reality TV "stars", and people who used to be in a girlband in the early '00s and now have about 5 kids by 6 different potential fathers. So what do we do? It's quite simple; we ignore them. Like the screamy flidding child in the sweetie aisle at Tesco, we play the part of the harangued but serene parent. Stop buying the magazines (those of the "NOW ONLY 37.5 PENCE!!!!!" ilk), stop buying their comeback single, stop Wikipedia'ing them. Just. STOP.

Resolution: To stop interrupting perfectly pleasant, passenger-driver conversation to yell at the car in front/adjacent/behind/two lanes ahead/embedded in your car's rear end.
Who Does it Apply To?: Pretty much everybody I know that can drive.
Why?: Because it's annoying beyond words. Ever had a conversation that goes something like: "So, how's things at work?"
"Oh, they're gre-"
"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, INDICATE MAN, INDICATE!!" *wild hand gestures, etc*
It's just bloody rude. Either talk to me, or have your tiny motoring mental breakdown; don't do both, and then wonder why I don't ever tell you anything.

Resolution: To stop making "____ Movie" films.
Who Does it Apply To?: The creators of such films as (deep breath): Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie 2, Superhero Movie, and Scary Movie(s) 3, 4 and the impending 5. I could go on, but frankly I'd rather put my foot in a liquidizer.
Why?: They are awful. And not the good kind of awful, but the awful kind of awful. I'm not going to go over just how awful, mainly because I'm lazy but mostly because I've covered it before (look in the July 2009 Archives, in an entry titled "Sin-ema"). Nobody finds them funny, apart from the odd twelve-year-old boy. When you consider the list of other things 12-year-old boys find funny (which include farts, bogeys and boobs in a non-sexual sense) you'll understand what I mean.

Resolution: To stop whingeing about men for no valid reason whatsoever, and to cut down on sexual stereotyping.
Who Does it Apply To?: A fair few women. Particularly women who have never actually experienced anything that could be classified as "relationship trouble" in their lives. A man probably looked at you a bit funny once (maybe he was squinting?) and that was enough to render you disgusted at the entire male gender. Shut up forever, you whingeing, pathetic scorpion women.
Why?: OK, now I've calmed down a little bit, I shall explain: I need this resolution to restrain myself, because if I hear one more completely un-warranted sexual slant against men as a whole I shall reach out and slap the offender. And I mean general "men are useless" comments. No they're not. I'm all for Feminism; but real Feminism is dissolving the female stereotype, making a name for women and standing up for Women's Rights (against ANYONE necessary, not just men thank you). Not creating a thick-headed generalisation.

Resolution: To devise and invent a hair product that does EVERYTHING.
Who Does it Apply To?: product lab scientists, me if I could be bothered.
Why?: The average man; for example this one, has one shampoo/hair product in his bathroom (and possibly a conditioner, seeing as though this certain man is rather...hirsute). Whereas I, the average woman, have approximately seven. Yes, seven - and that's after a clearout. This is because the nature of my hair changes on an everyday basis: sometimes my hair lacks moisture, so I need a moisturising shampoo. Sometimes it is frizzy, so I need an anti-frizz shampoo. Sometimes I want my hair to smell of apples, so I have a shampoo that smells of apples (and don't nobody DARE tell me I can't indulge myself, dammit). However, the Beatific Vision I have in my head is a shampoo that does all of this (and conditions hair too), without costing about half my paycheque and all my bathroom space. Oh, and if it could also cause a stinging sensation to the scalps of the thieving males in my family who then use my hair products WITHOUT ASKING, that'd be sweet too.

Resolution: To stop peeling all oranges, mandarins, clementines, satsumas, and in fact all citrus fruits into the shapes of penises. Complete with a neat set of citrusy testicles.
Who Does it Apply To?: My brother, Xela.
Why?: Because it's disgusting and puerile. And puts me off oranges. So if you're reading this, brother of mine: FACKING STOP.

Resolution: To bring back internet etiquette.
Who Does it Apply To?: Everyone who has ever used, uses, or will use the Internet.
Why?: Because it's a giant slanging match. Take one of my most visited websites; FML. People post up daily mishaps for...well, for Schadenfreude - if you don't know what this website's about, firstly where have you been? and secondly I'm not going to waste Blog time telling you about it, my few readers will tire of it. Admittedly some of them deserve it for being idiots; but a lot of people do have genuinely wistful tales of misfortune. And then there's the comments. There's even a "You Totally Deserved it" button, which is OK when the post is like the one I just linked to, but not when it's something like this. So what do I propose we do? Make the internet physical. Hire a group of massive ex-bouncers to roam the Physical Internet, or Physternet, with blackjacks and machetes. Let them loose on jerks. I don't have an answer for bloody everything. Except lazy journalism.

Resolution: To make football about football.
Who Does it Apply To?: OK, I've just run this by my Dad, who has been an Exeter City supporter for 52 years, and apparently I've got this right: over-sexed, overpaid Premiership players who make more in a week than a medical professional does in about a year and then demand more at every oppurtunity (cough CASHLEY cough); WAGs and their every little rubbishy nuances that frequently occupy crap mags (of the ilk stated above in the 'celebrities' resolution); and the poor "little league" teams that get nothing.
Why?: Because the demands for Premiership footballers' salaries are ridiculous. Buying and selling footballers has become like dogfighting - i.e. assemble a team of the biggest and best and most expensive, and then watch as the team name becomes increasingly irrelevant (e.g. Chelsea), and then the teams in the lower divisions suffer from a severe lack of funds and slowly go into administration. Really? Also, the 'celeb' side of it is rubbish. WAGs have every right to marry who they want, and if that happens to be a very overpaid footballer so be it; but do they need to be worshipped? This isn't celebrity, but plebrity.

And that's it folks. Have a Happy New Year, and if any of these resolutions apply to you, why not see if you can adhere to them, and see if something happens. It probably won't, but at least you'll have had fun
learnt something
done something useful

Sunday, December 06, 2009

MEN: Breaking News, Women Love You [Part 3/5]

MOMENTARY DISCLAIMER: Hi there guys...I'm shuffling sheepishly back into your eyelines after my indefinite hiatus, brought on by firstly finding a job (WOOHOO!) and secondly taking on the role of Musical Director for Zenith Theatre's upcoming production (more news later). Here's the third installment in the "Men in Print" series. The fourth and fifth editions will be an ongoing project that you shouldn't expect this side of Christmas as it involves a collaboration.

Guys. I'm sure you're sick of me pointing this out to you by now, but you haven't had the best time in the press lately (and by lately I mean - well, ever). OK, so rights are never basically equal between our two sexes and they've still a long way to go, but Glass Ceiling aside, I know you're sick of being misrepresented: just read any of my Blog comments after the last two articles.

So I enlisted the Ladyfriends to help me out. I'm not going to dress this up any further, just to say that these were all genuine responses from my bevy of beauties: real women who responded to the question "What is the nicest thing any man any man has ever done for you?" So whether you're recognised as a brilliant brother, a fantastic father or the best boyfriend in Britain, here's to you.*


"My best friend bought me flowers for my Birthday. He picked the colour to co-ordinate with my bedroom, and he did it because he knew my boyfriend at the time refused to buy me flowers. It was the most thoughtful gift I think I've ever received."


"Hit 'Next' on a CD player to avoid a song that seriously gives me the creeps. Now I know that sounds an odd one to choose but it'll always stick in my mind. We both had long-term partners so he wasn't trying to impress me, it was just a really nice reminder that I had friends who liked me enough to remember which songs I liked and hated."


"Roses every month, and taking me shopping in London; all paid for."


"Ooh...a meal out for my Birthday, and being taken shopping."


"A surprise weekend away a few months ago...All I knew was to pack a bag for the weekend. We stayed in an amazing hotel and had a fantastic time."


"Just been there."


"Not holding grudges like I do. He just ignores idiots, and does it with a gruff kind of dignity."


"Still loving me when I'm like a stroppy five-year-old!"


"Putting up with my 'shit'."


"Sticking by me when I've fallen out with people. The way my brother treated them afterwards was with the utmost disdain - not something I expected or asked for, but it made me feel like someone cared that I was hurt."


So there we have it. I'm not going to say much more, except that I think everyone who reads this Blog has a girl or three out there that would happily tell the world how great they are. (Oh - and if you recognise yourselves, please keep it between yourself and the Ladyfriend in question.)