Thursday, April 30, 2009

Empty Vee

It's just occurred to me: do I have to give a reason to absolutely hate something, and all that it stands for? Would that make me a bad blogger or reviewer?

Because I hate hip-hop/R'n'B/Crunk/Garage/Club music or whatever flidding moniker its calling itself these days.

I mean, I'm not completely musically retentive, like the people who only listen to one genre of music or one band and think that this makes them better than everyone else. I hate to say it, but mostly these people are self-proclaimed 'Goths' or 'Metallers' who think that anything that wasn't screamed at them once by Bruce Dickinson is complete bollocks. Which, as a view in itself, is complete bollocks. I hate those people too.

But I mean the stuff that is (sadly) doing the rounds in the Top Ten. Here's the formula:

  • Take out the actually good stuff (any fully musical bands, established singer/songwriters e.g. Franz Ferdinand, Kings of Leon, Bruce Springsteen, Jason Mraz)
  • Sift through the acts that don't write all their own stuff, but can actually hold a tune (Beyonce's usually OK, Katy Perry and her ilk I guess is forgivable)
  • Remove anyone to do with so-called Superproducers (Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, anyone generally working with them) not because they're good, but because their songs usually have some kind of melody structure to them.
  • Anything left might be either re-issues, or possibly novelty acts. Take them out. If the novelty single isn't for charity, leave it in.

What you have left is possibly this, this, this, or this. And that's about the gist of it.

What in the name of God is going on? None of these songs have a premise, except quasi-intellectual grunting about some kind of emotion that appears to be love (it could however just be a slight twitch in the groin mistaken for love), coupled with the frustration of the lead singer trying his/her/its hardest not to run to the nearest shiny surface and rub themselves up against it. I won't even bother analysing the lyrics because there is nothing there to analyse. It's like searching through sewage for diamonds: of course there are no diamonds in it, the music industry goon who 'wrote' this drivel lied to you, there's just shit, shit, and more shit.

Take away this mass-produced hyper-bollocks and what do you get? A fairly decent chart. I know this because it's not always Beyonce or Ne-Yo or Rihanna who's number one: sometimes a rock band like Kings of Leon get in there. So everyone has a fighting chance. It's just the utter earwash in between that slurries up the charts.

And in case you're wondering specifically who I am talking about:

  • Lady Gaga (not clever, not funny, not attractive and trying to re-do what Bowie has already done badly, a bit like watching a toddler imitating Evel Knievel)
  • Tinchy Stryder (what does his name even mean? It doesn't allure me, it annoys the Hell out of me)
  • N-Dubz (just...someone, take them away)
  • Basshunter (can't even be bothered to comment)
  • Platnum (can't spell, waste of my time even making a joke about them)
  • Kardinal Offishall (another who can't spell, has my complete contempt)
  • Any kind of demented DJ/Dance troupe made up of some idiot from Europe and a bunch of anorexics
  • The Pussycat Dolls (otherwise known as the amazing interchangeable women)
  • Anything that appears on Kiss.

End rant. I'm going to go and lie down now, I've started foaming at the mouth and I think it's time for my shot.

Neety - "So...many...links....not one of them....worth visiting...."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Lady(blog) is a Re-vamp

Apologies for the horrifying pun in the title there.

Well, if you and I remember rightly readers, this post was meant to be the results of the omelette experiment. However, strange things have happened to my spinal column and I am now on crutches for the time being. Because being healthy is BORING.

So I've spent my time re-doing the Blog up. New posts and shiz will be up soon, in the meantime please enjoy this picture of something I found off the telly:

It's an octopus. No, really: it is.

Friday, April 10, 2009


Prepare yourselves, readers - PETA have done it again.

From the (almost) sublime re-branding of fish as 'Sea Kittens', to the ridiculous Ben and Jerry's incident of last year, I really thought that maybe PETA had put the crazy away and started to work on something more realistic, say, saving the severely endangered animals such as African white rhinos or tigers.

Heard of the Pet Shop Boys? Of course you have. What does the name immediately make you think of? Personally, I think mid-80s synth-pop sounds, West End Girls, Dusty Springfield making a comeback. I certainly don't think literally of boys that work in a pet shop. That'd be like listening to Iron Maiden and imagining the medieval torture device.

PETA have decided that the Pet Shop Boys should be renamed 'the Rescue Shelter Boys'.

Now, if I make my hands into fists and squeeze down so hard that I actually break my nails off in my own skin...I can almost see where they're coming from. Almost. Some pet shops - not all, mind, and not any of the ones I've come across thankfully - are guilty of malpractice. But to be honest, that's what the RSPCA are here for in this country, and I can happily say that they're doing a bloody good job. And surely, most people have the common sense to know if you've walked into a pet store where you suspect the animals are being mistreated, and to subsequently do something about it.

How is this going to help? Even if the Pet Shop Boys did change their name, all it would achieve would be media ruckus rather than social awareness. How can PETA supporters stand proud of their cause and not run away from their computers in shame, when they see their 'Animal Friendly' organisation casually step over the important issues and start putting kitten ears on goldfish.

With PETA, it's not "Cut Down on Over-Fishing", it's "DON'T EAT FISH EVER". It's not "Find Out Where Your Meat and Eggs are Sourced", it's "You Are a Killer". It's scaremongering and brain-washing the young and impressionable with tales of death and carnage rather than showing them how to prevent animal cruelty and suffering.

PETA, do yourselves a favour. Stop the ridiculous media circus acts, and really re-evaluate what you think is important. You are making a mockery of yourselves.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Death of a S'Aint

In case you've been living in a cave (or Slough) for the past month or so, you'll have heard about Jade Goody's death. The hubub surrounding her death appears to be a case example of the 'Marmite effect', splitting Britain down the middle, or at least into some odd pie chart - some Britons revere her as some kind of modern-day Saint, some still see her as the racist, ignorant stereotypical epitome of the lower classes or even worse, and this is where most of the jokes have come from.

And then there is Michael Parkinson's view.

This article caught my eye, simply because if it had been any other 'celebrity', I would've closed the MSN window (which I generally do; I have no interest on the Top Ten Most Worthless Lists of All Time, what's going on in Eastenders or Jodie Marsh's new rhinoplasty). But Michael Parkinson has been a successful journalist and presenter for years and years now, he has met some truly influential people and all this without feeling the need to represent himself. His shows are topical and the guests aren't hand-picked from his showbiz friends. So when you read what he says about Jade, do you think he deserves the criticism he gets?

Yes, it is really sad that Jade died, and even sadder that her death has left two little boys motherless, and on Mother's Day of all things. This makes me cringe a little internally whenever I hear (or tell, I'm no saint either) a Jade Goody joke. I know she sold her story over and over again to the papers towards the end of her life to make sure there was a financial windbreaker for her sons. But I also know that there are now 122 pages of sick jokes about Jade on Sickipedia. Telling all to the media caused a mass divide in opinion because every magazine wanted the latest scoop on her; no publication wanted to say the same thing as their rival publications. So why is she so unpopular?

It's fair to say that in her last months of life, she did her best to make up for all she'd done wrong: apologies to Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty, backing the decision to lower the age for cervical smear tests, and also securing personal happiness by marrying her on-off partner Jack Tweed. But can you really believe she'd have done any of that if she hadn't been dying? I know it's a harsh point to make, but I can honestly say that if the doctor told me tomorrow that I had three months to live, you can bet Jade's total yearly income that my attitude would change drastically.

I mean, think about it: regardless of what you've done with your life, wouldn't you want to make peace before you died? If not with others, how about with yourself? Regardless of your religious views, the fact of the matter is we don't know what happens when our bodies die. Why take a chance? If it turns out that you just die, wouldn't you want your last few weeks to be contented ones?

Jade Goody is not, and never will be Princess Diana. Diana did a lot of publically-obvious relief work during her life, but we the public do not know what her private life was like, and it looks like no light is going to be shed on it any time soon. With Jade, there was no in-between, and the media were just as quick to condemn her as they were to martyr her. OK! Magazine even printed a 'tribute' issue before she had even died. This is laughable, yes, but it goes to show that OK! know what sells, and what sells is public opinion. If they tried selling that magazine to people that really hated Jade Goody, they'd make hardly any sales.

So there you have it - Jade is not a saint, she is not a tyrant: she is a human. Bravo to Michael Parkinson for spelling it out.