Thursday, April 30, 2009

Empty Vee

It's just occurred to me: do I have to give a reason to absolutely hate something, and all that it stands for? Would that make me a bad blogger or reviewer?

Because I hate hip-hop/R'n'B/Crunk/Garage/Club music or whatever flidding moniker its calling itself these days.

I mean, I'm not completely musically retentive, like the people who only listen to one genre of music or one band and think that this makes them better than everyone else. I hate to say it, but mostly these people are self-proclaimed 'Goths' or 'Metallers' who think that anything that wasn't screamed at them once by Bruce Dickinson is complete bollocks. Which, as a view in itself, is complete bollocks. I hate those people too.

But I mean the stuff that is (sadly) doing the rounds in the Top Ten. Here's the formula:

  • Take out the actually good stuff (any fully musical bands, established singer/songwriters e.g. Franz Ferdinand, Kings of Leon, Bruce Springsteen, Jason Mraz)
  • Sift through the acts that don't write all their own stuff, but can actually hold a tune (Beyonce's usually OK, Katy Perry and her ilk I guess is forgivable)
  • Remove anyone to do with so-called Superproducers (Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, anyone generally working with them) not because they're good, but because their songs usually have some kind of melody structure to them.
  • Anything left might be either re-issues, or possibly novelty acts. Take them out. If the novelty single isn't for charity, leave it in.

What you have left is possibly this, this, this, or this. And that's about the gist of it.

What in the name of God is going on? None of these songs have a premise, except quasi-intellectual grunting about some kind of emotion that appears to be love (it could however just be a slight twitch in the groin mistaken for love), coupled with the frustration of the lead singer trying his/her/its hardest not to run to the nearest shiny surface and rub themselves up against it. I won't even bother analysing the lyrics because there is nothing there to analyse. It's like searching through sewage for diamonds: of course there are no diamonds in it, the music industry goon who 'wrote' this drivel lied to you, there's just shit, shit, and more shit.

Take away this mass-produced hyper-bollocks and what do you get? A fairly decent chart. I know this because it's not always Beyonce or Ne-Yo or Rihanna who's number one: sometimes a rock band like Kings of Leon get in there. So everyone has a fighting chance. It's just the utter earwash in between that slurries up the charts.

And in case you're wondering specifically who I am talking about:

  • Lady Gaga (not clever, not funny, not attractive and trying to re-do what Bowie has already done badly, a bit like watching a toddler imitating Evel Knievel)
  • Tinchy Stryder (what does his name even mean? It doesn't allure me, it annoys the Hell out of me)
  • N-Dubz (just...someone, take them away)
  • Basshunter (can't even be bothered to comment)
  • Platnum (can't spell, waste of my time even making a joke about them)
  • Kardinal Offishall (another who can't spell, has my complete contempt)
  • Any kind of demented DJ/Dance troupe made up of some idiot from Europe and a bunch of anorexics
  • The Pussycat Dolls (otherwise known as the amazing interchangeable women)
  • Anything that appears on Kiss.

End rant. I'm going to go and lie down now, I've started foaming at the mouth and I think it's time for my shot.

Neety - "So...many...links....not one of them....worth visiting...."

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