Because I hate hip-hop/R'n'B/Crunk/Garage/Club music or whatever flidding moniker its calling itself these days.
I mean, I'm not completely musically retentive, like the people who only listen to one genre of music or one band and think that this makes them better than everyone else. I hate to say it, but mostly these people are self-proclaimed 'Goths' or 'Metallers' who think that anything that wasn't screamed at them once by Bruce Dickinson is complete bollocks. Which, as a view in itself, is complete bollocks. I hate those people too.
But I mean the stuff that is (sadly) doing the rounds in the Top Ten. Here's the formula:
- Take out the actually good stuff (any fully musical bands, established singer/songwriters e.g. Franz Ferdinand, Kings of Leon, Bruce Springsteen, Jason Mraz)
- Sift through the acts that don't write all their own stuff, but can actually hold a tune (Beyonce's usually OK, Katy Perry and her ilk I guess is forgivable)
- Remove anyone to do with so-called Superproducers (Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, anyone generally working with them) not because they're good, but because their songs usually have some kind of melody structure to them.
- Anything left might be either re-issues, or possibly novelty acts. Take them out. If the novelty single isn't for charity, leave it in.
What in the name of God is going on? None of these songs have a premise, except quasi-intellectual grunting about some kind of emotion that appears to be love (it could however just be a slight twitch in the groin mistaken for love), coupled with the frustration of the lead singer trying his/her/its hardest not to run to the nearest shiny surface and rub themselves up against it. I won't even bother analysing the lyrics because there is nothing there to analyse. It's like searching through sewage for diamonds: of course there are no diamonds in it, the music industry goon who 'wrote' this drivel lied to you, there's just shit, shit, and more shit.
Take away this mass-produced hyper-bollocks and what do you get? A fairly decent chart. I know this because it's not always Beyonce or Ne-Yo or Rihanna who's number one: sometimes a rock band like Kings of Leon get in there. So everyone has a fighting chance. It's just the utter earwash in between that slurries up the charts.
And in case you're wondering specifically who I am talking about:
- Lady Gaga (not clever, not funny, not attractive and trying to re-do what Bowie has already done badly, a bit like watching a toddler imitating Evel Knievel)
- Tinchy Stryder (what does his name even mean? It doesn't allure me, it annoys the Hell out of me)
- N-Dubz (just...someone, take them away)
- Basshunter (can't even be bothered to comment)
- Platnum (can't spell, waste of my time even making a joke about them)
- Kardinal Offishall (another who can't spell, has my complete contempt)
- Any kind of demented DJ/Dance troupe made up of some idiot from Europe and a bunch of anorexics
- The Pussycat Dolls (otherwise known as the amazing interchangeable women)
- Anything that appears on Kiss.
End rant. I'm going to go and lie down now, I've started foaming at the mouth and I think it's time for my shot.
Neety - "So...many...links....not one of them....worth visiting...."