Friday, September 18, 2009

Cad's Mags: Part 4/4

Get the champagne out: it's the Grand Finale of Neety's Guide...

#2 - The Boss

The Gist: Before I continue, I'd just like to say that this particular article made me so wound up that I had to punch someone, and there was nobody else in the house so I punched myself. Smack in the eye. So now I'm irritated and I have a black eye. But back to the article...

How To Get Her: This is like #8, and requires you get her out of the office and show her a fun time and then return to professionalism in the workplace. And just so it's not completely lazy journalism, there's the truly stellar idea that you should say something like "[...] you may not be able to play it cool in the office, like me". If my employee said that to me and I had the power to fire him, then that would be the time I'd reach seductively into my cleavage...and pull out his P45. And before you ask: yes, that is how I do my filing*.

Why This Theory Sucks: If you happen to manage to sleep with your boss, the last thing you want to do is imply that she can't keep her cool in the office. Not only are you pushing your luck, you are effectively undermining her authority in the relationship as well as at work. And if you start doing that at all, I don't care whether it's in the workplace or in the bedroom, you are making a big arrogant mistake. Personally, I don't really think sleeping with your boss is a good idea at all, but if you must, just be discreet and trust her to act accordingly.

#1 - The Stripper

The Gist: Da-dun dun duuun, da-dun dun duuun...OK, all joking aside, I suspect she's at #1 because she is, quite literally, the untouchable. I'm interested to see how this goes, seeing as though Mr La Ruina has said "[She's] that hottest girl you've ever seen in real life who can also dance, smile while you chat bollocks, then give you the best sex session of your life...". Except you can't actually have sex with her.

How To Get Her: "Set yourself out by not being a regular" says the article, and then in brackets says "(Perv)". Er, the last time I checked, it's now law that you mustn't touch the girls while they dance for you. And the girls who do this job aren't stupid; they know what you're there for and it ain't the conversation. Perhaps that's why Richard suggests you insist that a mate 'dragged you' to the strip joint, and try and take control in the conversation. Also, towards the end, you should say "You should probably get back to work or your boss will be angry". Fantastic.

Why This Theory Sucks: Again, you're turning her off you, just like almost every bloody other number in this list. If you act like you were dragged here, and you just wanna talk about what you want to talk about all the way through it and then urge her to leave quickly, she's just going to think you're a pushy/uninterested client, and then what? Er, she's going to shrug, take your money and 'get on with it', as you so kindly put it. If you try and talk to the "real girl" as Richard puts it, you'll get nothing but false answers. Any girl working in the sex industry reserves the right to keep her private and public image seperate, and will probably want to exercise this right. Don't believe me? Ask Belle De Jour.

Right, so I've picked the list apart and you're probably a bit annoyed at me for doing so. After all, I've effectively poured a bucket of wee over your preconceptions. And now I'm about to hit you with a cliche: Be yourself. When it comes to girls remember this; don't act like you're not interested if you are, don't blow hot-and-cold, don't undermine her, don't treat her one way one week and another way the next and expect her to stick around and lap it up. If she does, you run the risk of breaking her heart, and it will be your fault. If you're a genuinely nice guy, there's nothing more horrible than knowing that you've done that.

So be earnest, and take your time. None of these romantic conquests will happen in an evening, despite what this article and millions of others will try to tell you, and you're not any less of a man if it takes you a little longer. And I used a cliche because most cliches become just that because they're based on truth.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that all of the above Blog is simply my opinion. I have tried to pick apart the article constructively and without bias and even offer suitable alternatives to La Ruina's advice, but as you can see by my blooming black eye** I failed somewhat. And you can have your opinion too - that's why I included the link to the original piece. Also contrary to popular belief, I don't hate Richard La Ruina - I'm actually quite interested in reading his book having done this - I just think some of the methods he illustrates are a little unorthodox, needless, somewhat immoral, and that interests me and keeps me writing. And that's my opinion - go formulate your own if you like!

Neety ~ "Helping the men of the world, one migraine at a time"

* This is not strictly true.

** Neither is this.


Sprog said...

"undermining her authority in the relationship". Who said she gets the authoritory, surely it should be equal?

Neety said...

Yes..undermining her authority doesn't mean she had total authority in the first place; it means you undermine whatever authority she had.