So after finding my target, I was incensed to find this: 11 Tips to Get Any Woman. I read it through, and boy oh boy did it make me laugh. And then sneer. And then snort. And then shout. And then everything went a little fuzzy; I think my Dad had to get the tranquilliser gun out again... It's written by (or rather, with) Richard La Ruina, author of The Natural Art of Seduction. Hmm, we'll see.
So here we have it, folks. Neety's Guide to the Guide to Getting Any Woman, in Four Parts, and here's the first. I'll start by breaking the article down for you readers, before taking the broken down bits, putting them into my mouth, chewing them up and then throwing up violently into a small bucket. And all for YOUR reading pleasure, kiddies!
#11 - The Lesbian
The Gist: Allegedly, there are two types of lesbian: those who've been with a man in the past and those that haven't. Ok fair enough, but that's where the diversity stops - they apparently merge into one for the sake of the rest of the article. Both types are 'anti-men' and crave men who talk about emotions. Er, hello? Is this not a truth universally acknowledged for straight AND gay women?! Lesbians want women who will listen too, and believe it or not, there are some women out there that don't want to talk about emotions all the time!
How To Get Her: The entire plan is to make her say "I've never met a man like you before." And if you are patient, kind and understanding, she might well say this. It doesn't mean she is sexually attracted to you. I know a lot of women that listen to me, understand me, encourage me and love me for who I am, but I'm not sexually attracted to them. And there's your problem: Lesbians have made a choice - and sorry lads, it's not men.
Why This Theory Sucks: It's just stupid. If you're a man that doesn't enjoy talking about feelings, then you're wasting your time in forcing yourself to do something you don't want to just to get a fleeting chance at something that might not even happen. It's a bit like sticking your hand into a bag of razor blades because someone told you there might just possibly maybe be a fiver at the bottom.
#10 - The Threesome
The Gist: "Aaah...the Threesome", sighs Neety, gritting her teeth. Richard describes it as "that thing where a guy realises, for the first time, one member between his legs is not enough". Er, Richard? Are we talking about members as in your little chap, your willy, your meat-and-two-veg? Or members of the public? I'm concerned and confused.
How To Get It: "Most girls are open to a threesome, especially with a stranger." Oh yes, that's what gets me hot - someone I don't even know seeing me bent into contortions in my pasty-white naked glory. I doubt I'm the only one there. And any guide to getting women that begins with "Use booze to start" should have the alarm bells going. Apparently you should also use jealousy: kiss one girl and then the other, and make it clear that if they aren't both up for it, neither of them get to sleep with you. Boo hoo hoo!
Why This Theory Sucks: "Oh, hello. You're quite cute, and you're buying me drinks and flirting with me. That's wonderful! Oh, but now you're buying my friend/sister/co-worker/total stranger drinks and flirting with her. Now you're kissing her. OK! Bye bye!" - that is what will probably go through the minds of at least one of the girls you try to pick up. Please-oh-please just be honest with us: we're not all adverse to the idea. Get to know your target, understand these things take a little time. If the girl turns out to be adventurous, ask her if she'd be happy to consider a threesome. Don't make her feel like she can't sleep with you unless someone else is involved. And for God's sake, don't try to get us drunk...
#9 - The Supermodel
The Gist: Richard helpfully points out that this girl is "not just a really hot girl, or even a glamour model, but an actual rich and famous supermodel". It's good to see that this theory is a little less slap-dash than the others: you need to infiltrate her social group. At this point began to relax. "Ah," I sighed. "Maybe this isn't so shallow after all." Then I saw the line "[if you] fail with her, she'll have plenty of mates for you to try again with" - not to mention the delightful "Use a gay/ugly mate to get into her circle of friends"!
How to Get Her: Act like you're "not interested into her...act completely unphased by her beauty". Yeah, she'll love that; every girl who makes an effort does! OK, so don't drool over her. But if you act like you're not interested, how is she going to know?! Women are a little intuitive, but we can't look at men and go "Right: you're a womaniser, you're pretending not to be interested and you've got an STI." Which would be brilliant if we could do, but we can't.
Why This Theory Sucks: Simply for the total lack of honesty. If you think she's hot, at least give her a slight clue. Just tone it down a bit, eh lad? Don't dribble all over her shoes, but if she's made an effort then she obviously wants to be admired - there is such as thing as respecting a woman's image without appearing lecherous. Just make a nice comment - talk to her first, then try and praise her in a way she wouldn't expect. Do you like the sound of her voice? Is she resourceful and clever? Do you share any hobbies?
OK, that's it for this post. Tune in next time to find out how to get out of the 'Friend' zone...