Business Acu(wo)men [2 of 2]

I'd like to start this post by doing a little explaining: I didn't write my previous article with the attention of starting a 'witch-hunt' against Melody, Jim, or any of the other candidates. I've seen some horrible things that have been written about all of the candidates and I didn't want to add to the slurry - merely point out that in a business sense, their actions were verging on the unscrupulous and I felt it unfair that Melody was praised by Lord Sugar for behaviour that didn't differentiate much from Jim's.

Speaking of bullying, why don't you go have a look at this delightful page, courtesy of charming tabloid paper The Mirror? It involves Susan Ma, this series' youngest candidate, and some pictures of her partying it up during her University days. According to the tabloid it is "hardly the image of someone hoping to win...[sic] and become Lord Sugar's business partner". So it's OK to judge her by these pics, taken before she went onto The Apprentice? Don't you think she worked hard, as well as playing hard? Just because of a few (rather tame) pics of her partying, that means she's not worthy to take up a serious challenge.

So on one hand we've got Melody getting away with it, and on the other hand Susan getting an (albeit pathetic) media backlash.

Now, I don't think that it's because Melody's a woman. I have been comparing Melody's behaviour to Jim's, and while there are some similarities, Melody hasn't actually done any out-and-out bullying like Jim has. Yes, she perverted the truth to suit her, but she also followed through on her product choice, making the most sales.

Now, I asked for your feedback and there was a good response. Nomi points out: "[Melody wouldn't have got away with lying if] her two male team mates not been the sweetest, most unassuming men in the process this year."

This reminds me of a story I heard from two different friends: one was a guy who worked in a predominantly male office. He told me that his office was a "boy's club", and spoke of the lengths a female co-worker had to go to in order to make herself heard: shouting people down in meetings, taking credit for herself first before anyone else could muscle in on her ideas - in short, the type of behaviour Melody (along with many other Apprentice candidates) has previously shown. He couldn't work out whether it had been unnecessary behaviour; he himself admitted that if she wanted to speak, he'd give her a chance, but in an environment filled with other boisterous characters, how else could she be heard? On the other hand, I have a female friend who is very happy in her work environment - despite being one of only two girls she is a valued team member, her level of expertise is above some of her colleagues and they still treat her with the respect she deserves. Also, she often kicks their asses at Call Of Duty quite often.

I read a feature in a recent edition of a women's magazine about crying, and how it's the last bastion for some women. One of the girls described that all she had to do to get out of a missed deadline was screw up her face and sob "H-H-He said I looked fat last night" and the boss would take the whole team to Wetherspoons for lunch. I've cried at work during a meeting, and it was the single most humiliating experience of my life. Other colleagues of mine have seen my boss cry, and said it wasn't particularly a strong moment. Crying is not a tool: for most women rather than being a defence mechanism it's the sign that they've run out of defences. How would you react if a female colleague began to cry? At the meeting in question I was with my male boss, and he looked incredibly uncomfortable (considering I've also fainted on the poor guy he's had a lot thrown at him in recent months!)

It was good to see Tom win The Apprentice this year. While he might have been the weakest link for the majority of tasks, he came up with strong ideas to add to Lord Sugar's repertoire and he knew how to interpret feedback from a research team. Melody looks to still be going strong, and good luck to her - she may be out for herself, but perhaps in certain business environments it is good to have one eye on your own back.

Wheels of Fury

I had the unfortunate need to borrow a wheelchair from the local town Shopmobility service last week, and as my other half Brawny was pushing me around the town centre I decided that, as a non-wheelchair user for the majority of the time, I would have a look and see how much of an effect my new wheels had on other people.

We started off by heading down the far end of the High Street. Firstly, the chair was uncomfortable for me as it had no suspension so every loose brick in the paving we hit felt like Brawn was running me over Ben Nevis; and I can only imagine how painful it was for him to be pushing his girlfriend (who will admit to being overweight) around terrain resembling a slab of peanut brittle. So we were both gritting our teeth, aware that it was uncomfortable and cumbersome for both of us.

After our trip down the other end of the High Street we decided to drop in on our favourite games shop. Luckily, all of the stands were placed far away enough for me to slip through and not bother other people, and there was a wheelchair ramp that enabled me to reach the tills. I did knock a few stands of games off, but that was entirely due to my own incompetence - in fact, a couple next to us helped me put them back, and we enjoyed a little bit of banter with them. So far, so peachy.

Upon reaching the main shopping precinct however, things got a little sticky. People started looking at me oddly, including one teenaged girl who stared at me so bluntly that I found myself smiling and waggling a hand at her - she at least had the decency to 'snap out of it' and smile nervously back, as if suddenly remembering I was human.

It seemed our biggest rival was the mothers with pushchairs. Brawn wheeled me into my favourite High-Street clothes shop, which was a lot more awkward compared to the games shop. It just wasn't designed for people who weren't walking, let alone wheelchair users. Just as I was looking at a pair of trousers, from behind us came a very quiet cough. Brawny turned, only to notice a procession of about three large buggy-pushing mothers. In all fairness they did ask if they could pass politely, but the only way to get me out of the way was to push me towards a group of girls who definitely did not want to move. Here, Brawny's powers of intimidation came into play: a gruff "Excuse me" from him and the girls scattered (without an apology of course). The mothers thanked us, but once they'd gone past a line of people started trickling through the gap we'd made for them, leaving Brawny unable to reverse me back to where I wanted to look. So there we were; stuck in the middle of an aisle, wondering if it could get any more awkward, when along comes a Shop Assistant with a bundle of clothes. And where does she want to put them? Right where I am, of course! At this point, we gave up and left the shop as quickly as physically possible.

Next, we needed to head upstairs. We headed to the lift, only to find it out of service. The one across the other side of the precinct was also, you guessed it, out of service. The notice on the broken lifts said to go through to the back of the nearest department store, which we did. It was pretty annoying.

Now, we all blame each other for rudeness in public. Kids blame old people, the elderly blame the youth, mothers blame bustling businessmen and women who in turn blame women with giant pushchairs. Everyone picks on others, usually the people who are the antithesis of themselves, so why bother to differentiate if someone's going to blame you anyway? The point is to make yourself exempt from the generalisation of others; especially if you come across someone who is physically impaired, has young children with them, or is carrying heavy baggage or items. Be mindful of others: if someone's in a wheelchair or on crutches, let them go on their way but don't stare as if they are exhibitions. If you're going to have a chat, don't do it in shop doorways. If you're cut up in the High Street by a stressed woman juggling two or more jostling children, let it slide. It may seem like common sense to most, but according to my soiree it appears to be something that a majority of people are lacking.

Business Acu(wo)men [1 of 2]

WARNING! Spoilers be ahead - or at least, they are if you aren't up-to-date with BBC One series THE APPRENTICE. I accept no responsibility if you choose to read on.

The Apprentice - or should I say the BBC's annual parade for the megalomaniacal - is back on our screens, bringing us another bunch of bright young entrepreneurs to goggle at on a weekly basis (and a few so fresh-faced they look like they've been dropped into the boardroom straight from the womb).

Now, I'm aware that saying "I think there's going to be a few bigheads in this series" is akin to saying "I think the Pope might be of the Catholic faith", but I guess the sort of characters that would apply for a high-profile position under the wing of a massive household name such as S'rAlan Sug sorry, Lord Sugar are bound to be confident, prepossessing, enthusiastic...and of course there are bound to be those to which the prefix "over-" applies to all of those adjectives. Let's have a look at some of these quotes, taken from the 'talking heads' section of Series Seven:

"To be honest, I am pretty great." (this candidate was fired early on)
"I'm like a really, really fine-tuned switch; if I need to tone it down, then I tone it down. If I need to tone it up, then I tone it up."
"I'm a Leon-trepreneur."
"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

And that last quote can be attributed to this young lady: Melody Hossaini. Now, before I go any further with her, I'd like to state why I am bringing her to your attention.

Anyone remember this chap from last year? Yes, "The Brand" was young and very foolish, but after his Baptism of Fire in the interviews stage during which he was eaten alive by Margaret Mountford and co., he went on to gain redemption after his appearance on You're Fired and a subsequent column in Heat magazine. He has become a caricature of himself and, love him or hate him, you have to admit that he has earned himself a bit of a break.

So what did Stuart do that was so terrible? Well, he lied his way out of (and eventually into) trouble, he twisted information around to suit his views before presenting it to his colleagues, he tried to muscle in and take over tasks assigned to others. He did all of this over the course of the series, while Melody did all of that and more during the latest episode.

This week, the teams were sent to sell British products in France. A sub-team from each was sent off to do some brand research in order to pitch to French retailers, one of which was La Redoute. While the sub-team did this, the rest of the team had a look at a range of British homeware and technology products which would be brand new to the French market. Instead of doing the research project manager Tom asked Melody to do concerning La Redoute, she decided to conduct a street survey to garner opinion on one of the products, a children's car seat that folded away into a backpack. Despite not having seen the product, she took a dislike to it and decided that she didn't want it to make the shortlist.

What we, the viewers saw were a group of French people expressing an interest in the product - several people told Melody and team member Leon that it was a good idea, despite explaining that a lot of families use the Metro system. Melody took this to mean that the product wouldn't be well received, and used this information along with her initial dislike of the product to convince Tom to go for another item; a kitsch-y teapot-shaped hanging light. Quite rightly, Tom explained "Well I'd be an idiot to push three people to sell something they really didn't want to."

Melody almost redeemed herself with her sales - almost. While Leon tagged along like a moth hanging around a lightbulb, whining that he couldn't speak French (or in fact speak at all), Melody made some great sales. She set up meetings with companies, and then she decided that she was the only one entitled to pitch to them. Her reluctance to back the backpack/car seat bit her on the arse in the boardroom, where it turned out Helen, who had done her research on La Redoute, had done an amazing stonking pitch to them and got them to place an order of 214,000 Euros (a boardroom record). Melody, Tom and Leon were brought back into the boardroom: Tom because he was PM (and didn't make any sales, which serious jeopardised his position), Melody because of her lack of team-play and Leon because...well, he did nothing this time.

And Lord Sugar loved her. Of course he did, despite Nick pointing out her fibbing and lack of motivation to do what her team wanted over what she wanted to do. Now, Lord S admittedly would have loved her if she had been a bloke, but how would everyone else have reacted to her?

Let's look at 'Jedi' Jim Eastwood shall we? A few weeks back he ripped into youngest candidate Susan Ma, calling her "a mouse" and accusing her of only speaking up when it suited her. Quite rightly, he was told to shut up in no uncertain terms by Lord Sugar and Susan was given a chance to speak. Jim has also garnered to perfection a technique I like to call "The Symbiote" - he sticks to another male candidate, coaxes them into doing what is beneficial to him and then drops all confederacy in the boardroom.

Melody isn't doing exactly what Jim did to the letter: she's not a bully, though she did nearly go into spiteful hysterics in the boardroom. She doesn't form alliances; in fact quite the opposite, but you can still use the same words to describe them both: manipulative, self-serving, untruthful.

Why does Melody get away with it? As a viewer, she made me very angry; even angrier than Jim did when he shouted Susan down. Jim and Melody both have Lord Sugar's respect, but Jim is tarred with a black brush. Melody gets off scot-free in the boardroom (admittedly, according to many social networks she is not very popular). She doesn't need to redeem herself, a la The Brand. She is a "tiger", not a "liar".

And now the big question: is it because she is a woman?


Please let me know what your comments are on this - I will be using them in a follow-up post to this one.

Best F R I E N D S: Phoebe Buffay

"I'm like, playing the field. You know; juggling two guys, sowing my wild oats. I'm like this oat-sowing, field-playing juggler."

Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock - er, sorry, Phoebe Buffay is next. Are you the kooky one of your friends?


- Phoebe grew up on the city streets, therefore she is bereft of a 'normal' childhood. She misses out on aspects of growing up and she deals with a lot of adult issues before she is  fully grown.

By the end of the series, we learn that Phoebe's life has been far from usual. She lost her mother and father at a young age, and had a tough upbringing on the streets. You might not have had such a mad upbringing but whatever it was that disrupted your childhood, it has left you known as the underpriviledged or 'naive one'. You are pretty straight-forward and take things a face value but this does not make you dumb: you possess 'street smarts' that your peers and friends may not. You don't let your past get caught up with your future
, but sometimes you remind others of your misfortune to get your own way. Be careful, as over time your friends will indulge you less!

- Because Phoebe is used to being 'different' (and somewhat enjoys it), she doesn't believe she will ever be happily married. She is also the most promiscuous of the girls, and has a lot of casual sex.

Whether or not your reluctance to conform is coupled with an unusual family life or not, like Phoebe you may not view marriage or relationships in the same way as your friends. Eventually Phoebe does realise marriage and kids are her kind of thing, but only once she finds the right man. Maybe you won't come to the same conclusion that Phoebe does (it IS a sitcom after all!)

- Phoebe does non-conformational things out of nobility and generosity: such as marrying her gay friend to give him a chance at his dreams and being a surrogate for her brother and his wife.

Although Phoebe didn't have a chance at a 'normal' beginning in life, the choices she has made into adulthood have been non-conventional. She seems to enjoy her lifestyle choices; being a vegetarian, working as a masseuse, not having a college education like her friends. Despite shaky beginnings, she is by no means lesser to her peers, and she is able to match wits with all of them. If you're like Phoebe, maybe you'll do things that are different just to try out a change in lifestyle. Even if you think you're doing the right thing, you will appreciate your friends and not preach to them.


Phoebe's Best Moment: [SEASON 4 EP. 11 "The One with Phoebe's Uterus"]
Frank and Alice, Phoebe's half-brother and his wife, are trying to have a baby and need a surrogate. Step in, Phoebe. As she considers the idea, her birth mother, who herself gave Phoebe up for adoption, gives her a puppy to take care of for a few days to allow Phoebe to experience what it is like to give away something she falls in love with. Eventually the time comes to give the puppy back and Phoebe is upset. Frank and Alice come in and she lets them hold the puppy: they are overjoyed, so she allows them to keep it. Upon seeing how happy her gift makes them, she realises that she is able to become their surrogate. (What a shame that the puppy belonged to Phoebe's mother!)

Best F R I E N D S: Joey Tribbiani

"...I'm a Tribbiani, and that's what we do! We may not be great thinkers or world leaders...but damn it, we can EAT!"

Ever met the guy in the bar who swaggers up to ask you "How you doin'?" Go on, admit it. You are actually that guy in the bar aren't you? Congrats if you are; you're a Joey.

- Joey is more famous for his womanising ways than he is for his acting. He seems to think nothing of cheating, and has many tricks up his sleeves to entice women into sleeping with him.

If you're like Joey, you enjoy female company and unlike your friends you have never had a problem on the social scene. While many women fall for you, you can be guilty of upsetting a few in the long run simply by not being specific about what you expect from your romantic liaisons. Joey eventually learns to let his conquests know what to expect, therefore holding up his end of the bargain.


- Joey comes from a predominantly female family. As a result, he is very protective towards the women he is close to.

You may not go as far as proposing to your pregnant single friend (which Joey manages to do twice); but whether she's a friend, sister or cousin, you'll be looking out for her. Joey reacts immediately with anger when his best friend fools around with his sister, and like him you can sometimes be a little quick to jump to conclusions.  However you'll get plenty of recognition and appreciation for being such a gent.

- Joey isn't known for his smarts, relying more on his ability to chat up women than his intellect.

Like their Italian-American counterpart, 'Joey's have a focused strength in a certain area. Joey Tribbiani's area happens to be pulling power. As a Joey, you may not be as slow-witted as he is, but you may be lacking in a certain area, such as common sense or sensitivity. However, you are a useful person to know for your talents: friends come to you for advice, and your reputation precedes you (be careful where your talents lie - this can be a negative thing!)


Joey's Best Moment: [SEASON 4 EP. 16 "The One With The Fake Party"]
Pregnant vegetarian Phoebe is expecting triplets and craving meat in a big way. However, she is incredibly moralistic and the thought of animals suffering just for her craving upsets her. Enter Joey, otherwise known as the carnivore. Despite his love of all things smoked, cured, breadcrumbed or stuffed into a submarine sandwich, he agrees to give up eating meat for the duration of Phoebe's pregnancy, to stop any 'extra' animals being killed. In another episode, he also gave the lucky blonde a smacker on the lips after she claimed to have never had "the perfect kiss".