The 'King of Pop' is Dead; Long Live the King

Sat up at 25 to 1 writing this as the news breaks, I feel almost like a proper journalist. No doubt you know: Michael Jackson has reputedly died.

Now it depends how you look at this: the sad downfall of a would-be convicted Paedophile, or the death of an icon?

On one side, Michael Jackson led a sad life. Allegedly, he was beaten and berated by his father over his appearance. He married twice; once to Elvis Presley's daughter Lisa Marie Presley and secondly to a nurse who was allegedly treating him for his 'skin condition' (something which was both supported and mocked in equal measure by media and press alike) and fathered three children of different maternal origin. Because of his naivety and ease with children, he set himself up for a downfall when allegations of inappropriate behaviour around children arose. He was dogged with health issues, and the mystery of his changing facial structure and skin tone was a mystery and even a source of humour.

But on the other side, he was blessed with a wonderful career: you only need to look back to Thriller and the 80s to see how influential he was. He is cited as the influence for many contemporary artists. Although allegations and court cases knocked his reputation, his fans were always loyal.

As FaceBook and Twitter go mad with responses, comments and tributes it shows the influence Jackson had on the young and old. Take a look at the Top Ten artists in the world now - if one of them were to die tomorrow, could you compare the reaction to the united grief in the pictures of the crowd outside UCLA Medical Center streaming from BBC News now?

Personally, I hope that the future will be kind to him, and he will be remembered for his life's work in music rather than the unfortunate low points of his career.

The Fairer Sex

You know the deal. It's a hot day and you're feeling good so this morning you left your jeans on the hanger and slung on a skirt or a cheekily low-cut top. You head into town to get a bit of shopping done, and on your way down the High Street you pass a group of workmen. The eyes are on you. The foreman even stops looking down the hole his co-workers have made, prises his Costa cup from his lips and looks at you.

Then comes the immortal line: "Nice boobs!" (Or "Nice legs!" of course.)

What do you do? How do you respond to that?

1. Ignore it, roll your eyes and walk on
2. Shout "PERVERT!", yank down/up your skirt/top and hot-foot it away
3. Thank them for the compliment.

Yes, you read the last option correctly. They have just complimented you. Yes, albeit in a bit of a cack-handed way, but that's their idea of charm. It's what you'd expect - maybe if it was a guy at a party or a social gathering, you might expect him to phrase it a little differently, for example "That's a nice top you're wearing".

I saw an advert on the TV for a new reality series, following the exploits of one Kendra Wilkinson, ex-Playmate and one-time girlfriend of Hugh Hefner. The three-minute ad involved "Questions for Kendra" in which a leggy brunette with a cutesy voice asked questions posed by the show's viewers. One question was along the lines of "What do guys do that really turns you off?"

I personally can name a few things. Sleep-farting, yawning during sex, admitting that yes, he probably would sleep with Lady Gaga given the chance. But Kendra, bless her pink fluffy heart says, "When you're walking down the street and a guy, like, whistles at you or stares...ewwww!" Yeah, Kendra. You're just minding your own business, walking down the Boulevard in your tube top and short shorts, and some guy dares to look at you. The impudence.

OK, so I don't go out dressed like that at all, and neither does the average young lady. But the average young lady might find herself the attention of your average male, particularly if she has made an effort such as shown a little cleavage or leg. But in my book, generally I show off my legs or boobs because I am particularly proud of them; maybe my boobs are nice and tanned, or I've just bought a nice new top, or I've managed to shave my legs without nicking myself this time. I'd be delighted if someone noticed I'd made the effort.

Girls! For God's sake! It takes a lot of pluck for a guy to put down the drink, ignore the jibes of his mates and walk over to look at you properly, let alone say you look nice. I mean, they're so used to opening their mouths and then finding themselves slapped that some guys blurt out a line and immediately lean backwards, like some sort of complimentary Jack-in-the-box. Give the men a break. After all, don't we just want to be complimented?

Sin-ema

It might be a little obscure, but I have found myself answering the hypnotic call of Film4 recently. Sadly, it's gained reputation as one of those channels they can't even give away, coining the phrase "Buying Virgin/Sky+ has given us a whole new range of channels to turn off".

I now find myself having the odd look now and again. It's like driving past a Sex shop that just opened up down the busy street; you know you should be walking briskly past but you wouldn't mind just poking your head in. You know, just to see what you're missing.

Me? I like to not knock it before I've tried it: Cigarettes (couldn't inhale afterwards), 45% volume Gin (couldn't exhale afterwards), festival-induced 'natural highs' (couldn't inhale or exhale afterwards). And I can honestly say I liked Film4 a lot more than I suspected I would.

What I really wanted to say is this: Who created the likes of Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans? (Actually I know full well who came up with them: I'm trying to see if I can issue a Fatwa without changing my religion.) With these 'films', it doesn't even matter that they're slated for relying entirely on the current celebrity climate for gags and will henceforth be obsolete in 6 months, by then they'll have churned out another one.

Now I'm all game for poking fun at Paris Hilton and her ilk, but aren't these films stooping down to her level anyway? Hilton will do anything it seems to stir up a frenzy and so do they. I for one can't believe the involvement of Leslie Nielsen - he of Airplane! fame, which was a fantastic film and an example of timeless satire. I appreciate his efforts to bring satire to a new generation, but give me Airplane! or Naked Gun over the awful Superhero Movie ilk any day.

Good satire: Observational comedy, some sight gags, puns, a little light double-entendre. Think early Nielsen, Hot Shots, Mel Brooks from Silent Movie right up to The Producers. As little pop-culture gags as possible - it doesn't make for a 'timeless' movie.
Bad satire: Constant crude/sex-oriented jokes. Relies too much on pop-culture references which are obsolete in six months time. But then these movies are not timeless; nor are they meant to be - they're meant to rack up as much cash as humanly possible so the production company can churn out another one as quickly as possible.

They won't be getting any more cash from me - I'd rather spend my money on a classic DVD, or better yet the licensing fees.

Saving your Bacon

The media has decided that we're all fed up of hearing about the economy. It thinks we're all sick of hearing how our Prime Minister is hopeless, that we've had enough of Credit Crunch doom and gloom and that we won't buy any more papers because all they're going to tell us is that we're all damned to wallow in financial ruin until the mid-2030s or later. (Oh wow, I wonder which 'newspaper' was the first to figure that out.) So what's the news? What's the hot topic? Well get ready, World because here it is:

WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

No, I'm not insulting your intelligence: I know you know death is imminent; in fact it's the only certainty in life. I'm saying - or rather, the media is saying we're all going to die now. Prematurely. All because of SWINE FLU.

"But wait," I hear you say. "I can't die yet. I haven't finished paying taxes/claiming benefits/working myself into debt that the Government will expect me to repay as soon as I am booted out of my chosen institution." That's a shame. Because SWINE FLU is coming, coming like the swift touch of the Grim Reaper, swooping down and stealing everything you love and turning it to dust! AND YOU'RE NEXT! HAHAHAAAAAA!

......OK. So I over-reacted there. But I think I got my point across. This is how the media reacts to a new threat: blowing it up to sky-high proportions in order to sell, sell, sell.
Did you know that according to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, 13,000 people in the USA alone have died from regular influenza (or 'flu' to me and you) since January 2009? And it causes around 36,000 deaths per year in the USA alone; the victims are usually the vulnerable who die of complications after catching it.

I would also like to point out the isolated case of the woman in Merseyside who caught the dreaded Swine Flu, and after a few days of sniffles, nose-blowing, Tamiflu-popping and no doubt plenty of fluid intake, turned out....to be just fine. Which is more anti-climactic than trying to have a quickie with Sting.

I'm not going to make a triviality of Swine Flu (God knows I hate those words already), as I am aware it has killed around 300 people and unlike regular flu it doesn't have a readily available vaccination yet. I am just sick (pardon the pun) of hearing newscasters and reading articles detailing how doom is upon us yet again, hyperbolated by journalists who give their readers the option of doom or - er...oh, sorry, more doom. You see, we appear to be fresh out of good news.

In the meantime, if you think you have swine flu, here's a handy site deatiling what to do next, and an informative site if you don't have swine flu*.

Neety - "Shut up and eat your bacon sandwich"



*I absolutely refuse to apologise for this.

Empty Vee

It's just occurred to me: do I have to give a reason to absolutely hate something, and all that it stands for? Would that make me a bad blogger or reviewer?

Because I hate hip-hop/R'n'B/Crunk/Garage/Club music or whatever flidding moniker its calling itself these days.

I mean, I'm not completely musically retentive, like the people who only listen to one genre of music or one band and think that this makes them better than everyone else. I hate to say it, but mostly these people are self-proclaimed 'Goths' or 'Metallers' who think that anything that wasn't screamed at them once by Bruce Dickinson is complete bollocks. Which, as a view in itself, is complete bollocks. I hate those people too.

But I mean the stuff that is (sadly) doing the rounds in the Top Ten. Here's the formula:

• Take out the actually good stuff (any fully musical bands, established singer/songwriters e.g. Franz Ferdinand, Kings of Leon, Bruce Springsteen, Jason Mraz)
• Sift through the acts that don't write all their own stuff, but can actually hold a tune (Beyonce's usually OK, Katy Perry and her ilk I guess is forgivable)
• Remove anyone to do with so-called Superproducers (Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, anyone generally working with them) not because they're good, but because their songs usually have some kind of melody structure to them.
• Anything left might be either re-issues, or possibly novelty acts. Take them out. If the novelty single isn't for charity, leave it in.

What you have left is possibly this, this, this, or this. And that's about the gist of it.

What in the name of God is going on? None of these songs have a premise, except quasi-intellectual grunting about some kind of emotion that appears to be love (it could however just be a slight twitch in the groin mistaken for love), coupled with the frustration of the lead singer trying his/her/its hardest not to run to the nearest shiny surface and rub themselves up against it. I won't even bother analysing the lyrics because there is nothing there to analyse. It's like searching through sewage for diamonds: of course there are no diamonds in it, the music industry goon who 'wrote' this drivel lied to you, there's just shit, shit, and more shit.

Take away this mass-produced hyper-bollocks and what do you get? A fairly decent chart. I know this because it's not always Beyonce or Ne-Yo or Rihanna who's number one: sometimes a rock band like Kings of Leon get in there. So everyone has a fighting chance. It's just the utter earwash in between that slurries up the charts.

And in case you're wondering specifically who I am talking about:

• Lady Gaga (not clever, not funny, not attractive and trying to re-do what Bowie has already done badly, a bit like watching a toddler imitating Evel Knievel)
• Tinchy Stryder (what does his name even mean? It doesn't allure me, it annoys the Hell out of me)
• N-Dubz (just...someone, take them away)
• Basshunter (can't even be bothered to comment)
• Platnum (can't spell, waste of my time even making a joke about them)
• Kardinal Offishall (another who can't spell, has my complete contempt)
• Any kind of demented DJ/Dance troupe made up of some idiot from Europe and a bunch of anorexics
• The Pussycat Dolls (otherwise known as the amazing interchangeable women)
• Anything that appears on Kiss.

End rant. I'm going to go and lie down now, I've started foaming at the mouth and I think it's time for my shot.

Neety - "So...many...links....not one of them....worth visiting...."