Before you read this blog, watch this.
If you hadn't seen it before, what did you think it was? With its pretentious plinky-plonky-piano-ey soundtrack and the slow-motion, high-definition floating tendrils? Damian Hirst's latest exhibit? Footage of an octopus ejaculating? Cthulu's hot young girlfriend?
Yes, it's an advert for chocolate giant Cadbury's Flake bar. Now I've studied adverts before in my time as a wastrel - ahem, Graphics student, and I know it's meant to be symbolic. The slow-rippling yellow-gold fabric of the woman's dress symbolises elegance and luxury and coincides with the notion of the chocolate ripples in the bar; the purple ink explosion denotes the Cadbury's logo and that exact shade of purple is a registered trademark of Cadbury blah blah blah. But take a look at this and tell me you don't think it's better:
Yes it's risque. Yes, some of the adverts got banned on the grounds of indecency (the chocolate touched the tongue of the lady in question before the lips, which looks like...hur. Well. Hur. You know.) but doesn't it signify what Flake is about: a simple oral pleasure? You don't have to like doing the act in question, because odds are if you don't, you probably do like eating chocolate. And the ads are beautifully shot - deserts, lush fields, exotic surroundings, the woman relaxing for some me-time and a bar of choccy...there's something for everyone. And those models remember the pride that came with being a 'Flake Girl'; you see them quite often on those banal "I Luv Adverts Their The Bestest Things EVAR" programmes ITV insist on broadcasting. Could you really call Octolady a 'Flake Girl'? And don't even get me started on Joss bloody Stone.
It isn't fair. Snickers got Mr T, Mars got John Barnes and now every time I eat a Flake I have to remember I'm not chowing down on chocolate calamari. And don't you dare "female empowerment" me; Aero Bubbles got the hunky man fresh from a hot shower* and he knew exactly what he was: man candy selling candy. That was the entire point of the advert! It's chocolate-covered tongue firmly in cheek, and in a world of "Skin Regenerating Hypothyrate-poly-multi-carbonitratines", it's refreshing to have adverts that throw their arms up and says "OK, you got us; but hey, our products work."
Bring back the old Flake ads. Hell, I'd happily do one in its stead - not that the nation wants to watch me scarfing down Flakes while exposing my alarming flabby whiteness.
[SOURCES: All YouTube.com: Aero Bubbles ad courtesy of KmClan80. Flake advert (1980) courtesy of ally008 and Flake advert (2010) courtesy of PercyGreen17. I do not own any of the companies or products and I am not affiliated with them in any way.]
*Yes ladies, that is Smith from Sex and the City aka. Jason Lewis. Rrowr.