Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What an Ome-lette Down

Hello dear readers. I know you're out there now, because Sprog told me you are. By proxy, that means I have readers, ergo I can subject you to pretty much whatever I want. Therefore, welcome to Neety's World of Inane Domestic House-Chores.

Today, since I'm quite busy being unemployed, I decided I fancied a trip out on my bike. Before I did this I thought I'd have a quick and nutritious lunch. I'd already had enough soup to the point where it started to leak out of my eyeballs, so instead I pondered the humble egg. Hence my friends: the humble omelette. Or basically, the use-up-all-the-scraggly-off-looking-stuff-in-the-fridge.

Before I go on, I'd like to direct you to Saturday Kitchen. I quite like cookery programmes, and this specific one has been introduced into my weekend routine due to my mother's deep passion for James Martin. Basically, at the end of each show, they have a different chef in, and they compete to see who can make the fastest omelette. Basically: egg, break, pan, heat, omelette. Thus demonstrating the ease of making an omelette.

So why, ye Gods why did my omelette start off looking like this:

Perfect eggy form, although perhaps a little thin around the sides (it was made with the only one egg I could find in the house, topped up with skimmed milk), and garnished lovingly with chicken, red peppers, spring onions and a sprinking of cheese. Phwoooooar....I could write for Marks and Spencer's commercials, I could.

This is not just an omelette....

This is Neety's omele- oh, dear God, what have I done. That's an abomination.

And that above is the state of the pan afterwards. The quickest omelette on Saturday Kitchen was about 30 seconds. I devoted twelve whole minutes to this poultry-conceived antichrist.

So here's the plan. My next blog will be devoted to the Perfect Omelette. This is a test of your loyalty, blog readers. The reader to come up with the best recipe for a fail-safe omelette that cooks, looks and tastes fantastic will win a cake or pastry of their choice baked by me (I can bake cakes brilliantly, don't worry.) Entries close on Monday at midnight, after which I will try out your methods, culminating in a culinary blog showing how I made them and whose method (and filling) went down best with the judges (myself and erstwhile members of the family, whoever feels peckish enough.)

If you want a slice of the action (har har), comment below with your cooking method, ingredients and any other tips and hints.

Neety - "Part of me can't believe I'm doing this, the other part is polishing the crockery"


Anonymous said...

I was about to enter, then had Vietnamese-esque pancake cooking flashbacks. They ain't the same thing, but they live a similar way.

The horror. The pure unforgettable horror.

Add grated cheese though for an extra kick.

Neety said...

You realise that counts as an entry, young man...

I will call it "The Rai" and cook it like a pancake, adding extra cheese.

Az or Fox said...

I call it the deluxe bacon omelette.

Fry bacon in pan. Add bacon and bacon.

Stir in a pinch of bacon, and drizzle some bacon over the top.

By now you have lots of bacon. Squeeze all of it together and presto, it looks like a pink omelette. Ya can't go wrong.

Neety said...

^ Trying that.

Brawny said...

OK, the Brawny Omlette.

Take Eggs. Take Cheese. Throw in pan. Add meat.


Scrape out of pan.

Discover it won't come out of pan because you overcooked it.

Start scraping.

Notice that the smoke alarm is going off, leave pan while you go and deal with alarms

Return, carrying battery that up until recently used to power smoke alarm.

Discover that the resulting eggy/cheesy/meaty mess is still stuck and rapidly getting colder.

Take pan and fork

Eat out of pan in front of telly.

Forget to wash pan.

Discover that pan is now ruined.

Throw it away.

Thats why I don't make omelettes often!

Brawny said...

Just noticed i used scrape twice in descriptions. Apologies for my lack of vocabulary.

Sprog said...

My Suggestion
Take a pan.

Place on hob.

Heat pan.

Remember to light gas.

Heat pan.

Add oil.

Watch oil spit everywhere and remember you were meant to add oil before heating pan.

Crack some eggs into it, picking out the mass of shell that has entered the pan after you mistook "crack" for "smash"

Add milk. No, not that much. Oh well.

Accidentally spill flour into pan.

Swear profusely in cloud of flour.

Mix to gloopy consistensy and attempt to cook, see what forms.

Realise midway through cooking you have created a pancake.

Decide fuck it, and eat pancakes for breakfast.

Clean up flour explosion in kitchen with damp cloth.

Neety said...

OK, I think I've got enough entries now for the comp. I'll start cooking this weekend.

Thanks everyone! May the best man win....